You had me at “how was your day?” a
question to which I mechanically answer “well, you know, it went okay”
BUT! you responded “No, I mean HOW WAS
YOUR DAY” you said the exact same words but somehow the meaning has changed.
No longer was it an opener for a small
talk. It’s like you came out of my computer and asked me to take a walk
With you, in the park, in the middle of
the night. It was dark but … it’s you, so I guess it’s all right.
I smiled as I furiously typed, almost
wrecking my keyboard. What was wrong about the world, all my thoughts and every
word … every word of it you’ve heard. I was heard like I’ve never been heard by
anyone before.
I was mad and sad as I typed away and
purged. Thick blocks of rants in a sea of black ‘spaceless’ paragraphs. It was
an awfully bad bay but that stroll in the park made everything okay.
Flashback: I only noticed when I tried
to trace it back. Where it all began, when I started to lose track
Of my thoughts and emotions
It was 2010, presidential elections.
Out of the blue you sent me a message
about your grievance for such a disappointing result. How our people chose
their leader seems like such an insult. It started there, when I saw how much
you cared.
For this country, for the future …
imagining you then, was such an interesting picture,
In my head, see this strong bearded guy
showing his soft side, tears welling on the corner of his eyes, misty for the
result which wasn’t even a surprise. Of course noynoy won … because, fuck the
track records right? You hoped to be proven wrong … but years later, turns out
… yeah you were right.
Flash forward 2 years: It’s 2 am in the
morning, I’m out on the porch, freezing. My voice was shaking as I was singing
“In my life” by The Beatles for the nth time, it’s put on loop. You asked me to
keep on singing even though we both know my voice is ear piercing.
“and of all these friends and lovers, there is
no one compares with you and these memories lose their meaning when I think of
love as something new”
It’s been 2 years since I started to
fall, a year since I crash landed on the pavement face flat. Flashback: My
heart was crushed and I thought that was the worst I could ever feel.
You gave me space I never asked for.
You said I needed it when I thought I only needed you. I said I love you, in
thick blocks of black spaceless paragraphs. The one time I had the courage to
tell someone to their face the entirety of my feelings, you declined and
instead asked for it in writing. To which I complied. I told you I love you in thick
blocks of spaceless paragraphs. What went wrong with our world, every thoughts
and every word that I’ve been so afraid of letting out. I told you I love
you in thick blocks of spaceless paragraphs to which you replied “Thank you.”
Flash further back: it’s 4am we’re still on the phone. It’s only
been 9 hours since we parted ways and went home. We’ve been on the phone for
seven and in 6 we’ll see each other again. This talk went on forever I didn’t
want it to end. I couldn’t be happier with this … with us, you know … being
reeeeeally good friends.
Now forward to the inevitable heartbreak: I only told you I love
you for my sanity’s sake. I never said anything before because I didn’t want
anything more. I just wanted you and our conversations, just you never mind the
frustrations because I can keep it all in, keep it locked away. Keep it all
buried just so we could stay … the way we were. But we couldn’t. We were
standing on thin ice, the inevitable happened.
I was broken by your by absence crushed into fine powder by your
presence. You gave me space I never wanted which at the time I really needed.
What used to be hours of conversations was reduced to nods and awkward
situations.
Flash forward, 7 months: It's half past one ... After all that’s
been said and done. There was no going back to the way we were. We weren't the
same people as we were before. I told you, you hurt me in thick blocks of
spaceless paragraphs. We exchanged apologies in lighter one liner messages in
chat. I missed you and now you’re back. We’re starting on a clean slate, new
memories to make.
Flash further forward: It is half past two. We’re still on the
phone no more singing and neither of us were speaking. I was out on the porch,
freezing listening to your breathing. Whatever hurt you were feeling I hoped my
being there was helping because that’s all I could do.
Then I realize I was still on the pavement a year after I crashed.
Why have I not gotten up? I was lying there face flat. I thought this was over
but the gravity’s pull grew stronger. My body slowly dug a hole on the floor,
this irrepressible force was so strong that somehow faced down on concrete I managed
to fall …. Again. Or did I ever really stop falling?
